House Calls: Now on chapter 2
by Sinister Scribe
Summary: House and Cuddy partaking in some strange visits outside the hospital. Learning some stuff about their own relationship in the process. COMPLETELY ridiculous, but you know you love it. Eventual Huddy.
1. Chapter 1

**Oy vey, this is a long one. Completely ridiculous but there we are. **

**This is the first in a series of connected one shots that I'm doing in which House and Cuddy go off to visit some peculiar patients and realise some things about themselves in the process. **

**Will be eventual Huddy, but I'll be slow in getting there. This one is rich in snark though. **

**Multiple crossovers, starting off with some Disney, then moving on to probably Doctor Who next, then Hellboy and Labyrinth. I'm willing to take requests and, if your willing to see House and Cuddy going up against another pairing, feel free to drop a suggestion in the review box. Cannon or Fannon, it doesn't bother me. **

**Do not expect this to correlate with the reality of the show, or any other reality for that matter, and we'll get along just fine. **

**Oh yeah, and a disclaimer (I always forget these little buggers) I don't own so ye cannae sue. **

**Enjoy. **

**P.S. You can blame Scarlett Scribble for this entire debacle. **

**1: The Tentacles Are Up to Something…**

House was on a mission.

He stood by the cascading water feature in the lobby and tried to blend. Not easily accomplished when she always seemed to have an internal sensor as to where he was, but so far she had not detected him. She was standing talking to Brenda the Barbarian and was currently too focused on whatever they were discussing to take any note of looming diagnosticians. Even if the passers-by were giving him some odd looks for tossing back his chips and crunching them loudly while staring fixedly at the Dean of Medicine.

His mission?

To find out where it was she went when she thought he didn't notice.

On his day off clinic, Cuddy disappeared.

Not just out of her office, or the clinic, or the building, or even the campus, but out of cell range, beeper range and bellowing range.

She just went.

House had first noticed it a couple of weeks ago. Initially, he had been overjoyed at the opportunity to wreak whatever havoc he wanted and not have her come harping down on him from a great height…at least not right away, that was. Then, however, curiosity had intruded on his fun time and it had become no-longer-fun time and had instead been transformed into exasperatingly-puzzled time…which after a few more days of MIA Cuddy had morphed into its uglier cousin chewing-out-the-team-and-anyone-stupid-enough-to-get-in-his-way time.

Needless to say, he needed to find out what was going on, file it away into the brimming filing cabinet in his mind marked 'Things About Swimbo' (Swimbo, of course, being the phonetically translation of S.W.M.B.O. or, as the layman would have it, She Who Must Be Obeyed, the fact that it rhymed with bimbo was nothing to do with House, he was sure) and then he could resume his abuse of the windows of opportunity which, by that point, would be renamed Fun Time.

Everything had its place and order. It may seem chaotic and impossible at times, but that was the laws of the Universe of House, and woe-betide anyone who unsettled that precarious balance.

So Cuddy had a hell of a lot of woe-betiding to look forward too since she seemed to take such bloody-minded pleasure in unsettling the Universe of House and all places and orders contained therein.

This was the final straw. She had gotten away with it so far because…well, because he kind of liked the way she disturbed his tidy little way of living (not that other people saw it that way, but House found his normalcy in the abnormal so the rest of the world could just go hang itself, fuck you very much). It was good to have some challenges in his life, just to keep things interesting. There was the smile, it set off some kind of cardiac problem with him when his heart kind of leapt up into his throat and then splashed back down into his stomach. The T&A, First and Second Wonders of the House Universe, caused some kind of hitch in his lungs that meant they stalled sometimes and then of course the lack of oxygen in the brain meant that she could sometimes gain the upper hand, which was when she was at her best. When she was fighting him for whatever kind of power they were both after at the time. Didn't really matter the why of it, just so long as one of them won and got to lord it over the other.

Which was the root of the real problem. Their competitiveness sometimes got the better of her good sense and his worse sense and then she became devious, or furious, both were quite nice but House found that a deviously furious Cuddy was quite delectable…

Anyway! Back to the matter at cane, his other hand was occupied with the chips, the point was, her going off on her own, more importantly, without his knowledge, was definitely something worth fighting over and it went against Da Rules to not fight over it.

It wasn't how they worked.

And his life was very much a 'they' activity, her going off and doing her own thing had long since been forbidden and they both knew it. She could be in denial if she wanted but she was his, fun bags, gorgeous ass, brain spazzing smile and all.

And she was…gone?

Where the hell had she gone?

House dropped his bag of chips and stared around wildly, she had been there TWO SECONDS ago and now she'd up and disappeared again. House wasn't entirely sure of the physics in the theory of teleportation but he was still pretty sure that the Dean of Medicine didn't have it in her job perks along with the big office and the parking space. He scanned the bustling crush of humanity that hospitals inevitably seemed to draw (sick people, ugh) and finally discerned her distinctive hair (fourth wonder of the House Universe) swishing through the crowd on top of a sashaying Cuddy in a white lab coat. House set off full tilt, Hobble Factor Five, and wove his way through the crowd like a scruffily dressed eel.

He was coughed out of the swirling press of bodies in time to see the tail of her coat disappearing around the corner in what was…a dead end as far as he was aware. One of those odd scraps of building that architects had cocked up on. Scraped together out of left over bits of building elbow and gristle. Just a corridor with no point except to house a few benches and a fire exit.

Cuddy stood with her back to him, a set of files under her arm in black folders and a tarnished leather bag in one hand. She cast her eyes furtively around and House felt his interest soar even as he shrank back around the corridor so as not to be noticed by her sneak peek. He watched as she reached up, pushing at a fire alarm firmly with the heel of her hand. House braced himself for a wall of shrieking sound even as he stepped around the corner and limped near silently over to her, lifting his cane so she wouldn't hear him coming, he paused slightly when the fire alarm did _not _sound and the fire alarm slid out of the way to reveal a keypad underneath. She punched in a number with numerous and complex digits with a fluttering speed of her fingers and the fire exit slid to the side to reveal…an elevator.

House stared at the brightly lit interior of the elevator and found it to be completely covered in buttons. He stared for a stunned minute or two and, just as she was about to step inside and then inevitably turn and see him, he bent and spoke directly into her ear.

"Going somewhere nice?"

**$inister $cribe**

Cuddy very nearly leapt out of her skin at those words.

She jumped guiltily and whirled to see him standing far too close.

"What the hell are you doing here?" She snapped, realising it was a mistake as soon as his eyes brightened and he skirted her to get in the elevator.

"House, get out of there."

"Why, looks cool." He was perusing some of the buttons with interest and reached out with a purposeful finger to press one.

"Don't touch that!" Cuddy threw herself at him and they both staggered back into the elevator, clean across it and smacked into the other side. House squashed between Cuddy and the wall of buttons.

"Hey, if you wanted to jump me, you could at least give me a little time to double up on the vicodin." He smirked at her and she peeled herself away.

"I mean it, House, get out." She stepped back, tugging at her suit jacket, like straightening that would help rearrange her dignity. "You wouldn't be interested." She dismissed it in a bored tone, hoping he'd take the hint.

"Gee, lemme think. You sneaking off every time I'm NOT in clinic to notice, to enter a secret code to reveal a secret elevator covered in all KINDS of shiny buttons and…that's not interesting _how?"_

Cuddy rolled her eyes. The bastard had a point. One last attempt.

"It's clinic related, it'll bore you stiff."

"Still stiff from you pinning me to the wall." He bobbed his eyebrows at her but wasn't really looking at her. He was more focused on scrutinising the buttons and the neat printed letters beneath each one. She heaved a sigh, this was SO against the rules…well, why not? She broke every other rule for the man, why not this one? If he managed to get his head around it then he might even be useful.

"Alright, fine." Cuddy scooped up the files she had dropped when he had startled her and her bag and hustled him aside when she stepped back into the elevator car with him. If nothing else, she might get the chance to shock the pants off him.

Figuratively speaking.

Obviously.

"I have something on my pants?" House made a show of following her gaze to his belt buckle, or rather directly below it and her eyes flew back up to meet his mocking gaze.

"No, I was just thinking that they're going to get ruined." Cuddy reached past him, her breasts brushing against his chest as she stretched over his body and neatly pushed a small green button by the door. He watched her every inch of the way as she pulled back and away from him and the doors hissing shut were an oddly fitting accompaniment to the heated glance he was giving her. Good lord, how could blue eyes like those get so hot?

"So, where does this thing go?"

"Everywhere." Cuddy smirked. "And a few places beyond that." She scanned the walls, she knew where nearly every button was, but it always took her a moment to orientate herself, add on a few extra with the distraction of House breathing down her neck.

Literally. The elevator was not very large and he seemed to be using it as an excuse to loom a bit more than usual.

She did NOT like it when he loomed. The same way she didn't like it when he genuinely smiled, or when he did something sweet that somehow made him all bumbling and awkward, or when he wore his biker jacket so she could fully appreciate the way his jeans moulded to his a…anyway, moving on. She was staring at his jeans again. Look away, girl!

"There it is." She muttered and flipped the little plastic window covering the button back and punched it a little frantically with her finger. The button was small and shaped like a little shell. Underneath it, in small block capitols, read the words 'Atlantica, the Palace' . A hum vibrated through the elevator and the light, which emanated from every single button on the walls, ceiling and floor, dimmed except for that lone seashell button.

"Cuddy…?" House shifted a little uneasily and she shifted her feet apart a little, knowing what was coming.

"Brace yourself."

House snorted at her mockingly.

At least, he would have, she was sure, had the elevator not suddenly jolted into a lightening quick motion that sent her stomach swooping and sent House flying back against the opposite wall. He crashed awkwardly against the wall, bounced into a corner and finally careened to the floor with a small and slightly belated.

"Owie."

"I did warn you." She grinned down at him, a little feral light gleaming in her eyes. He wanted to play in the big pool with her?

Fine.

But a big pool meant REALLY big fish…and their wives.

**$inister $cribe**

House rubbed a hand over the back of his head and glared up at Cuddy. She was enjoying this far too much, he decided. He scrambled back to his feet and looked outside the elevator, which was surprisingly easy since the walls, aside from the buttons, were entirely made of glass. They appeared to be hurtling along at a great deal of knots and…at a slightly downward angle if his inner ear was to be trusted. There was a sudden and quite violent jolt as the elevator, with a great whooshing sound, splashed down into water.

House glanced around with alarm and gripped his cane all the tighter, but Cuddy didn't seem bothered in the slightest, instead, she was rummaging through her leather bag and rearranging the files. She removed one that was made up entirely of laminated sheets and then stuffed some medical supplies into another bag which was made of some kind of neoprene like material. House watched with curiosity and then was distracted by the dark shape of something very large and very shark like swimming past the elevator. So close that they were buffeted by the swish of its tail. House swallowed and decided to take refuge in the lie that this was all a hallucination. Why he was hallucinating about _20.000 Leagues Under the Sea_ was completely beyond him, but it was easier than dealing with the truth.

"So…" The fact that Cuddy was neither excusing all of this away or feeling any urge to fill in the blanks unnerved him, so he was damn well going to find out another way. "Where are we?"

"Somewhere under the Atlantic." Came the absent reply, she was holding vials of drugs up to the light to see the small print lettered out on each side. She picked the right one and stuffed it into her wet-suit bag thing and then rose back to her full height. Files and leather bag stowed safely in the corner and tied to a small hook. "You'd better take off your jacket." She advised him and began to remove her own. She stripped it away to reveal a cream lace camisole underneath and House was momentarily distracted by the biological imperative to ogle unabashedly. She bent to tuck her jacket away next to her bag and did something marvellous to the girls in the process, he only finally snapped out of it when she reached up and spun him around to remove his jacket from him and he cleared his throat nervously. He was definitely getting in to deep here. He looked outside their little glass tank and saw dolphins careening through a shimmering shoal of some kind of fish…_literally_, in too deep.

"Where are we going?"

"Atlantica." Cuddy had a jar of something in her hands. It was small and looked like a jar of pickles filled with greenish brine, but there were two odd shapes floating in the brackish water. She grimaced in obvious distaste, but unscrewed the jar and fished inside until she caught both of them in her palms and lifted them out. She perused them carefully, turning them over in her hands, as if trying to find the correct side and hummed in the back of her throat when she apparently found what she wanted. He noticed they appeared to be small many legged starfish of some kind.

"What's an Atlantica?"

"Not what, where. Keep up." She mocked him with an evil grin and he had the feeling that he wasn't entirely ready for whatever she was about to dish out. She grimaced at the little starfish in her hand and then tilted her head back. Reaching up and pressing the little ornament to her throat. There was a strange little crunching sound and she grimaced in a slight pain then took her fingers away to reveal the starfish stuck to her throat. A slim bead of blood tricked down her neck and she wiped it away impatiently. She rolled her head on her neck and then turned to House, lifting her hand to press the other starfish to his neck. Now that it was turned to him, he could see a tiny little mouth in the centre of the starfish…a tiny little mouth filled with rows of tiny little razor sharp teeth.

House stepped back so suddenly that he slammed into the wall of the elevator, shaking his head rapidly.

"Uh-uh." He brought up his cane and prodded her in the chest with it to keep her at arms length. She arched a brow at him.

"Trust me, it'll hurt a hell of a lot more if you don't put the little critter on. Believe me." When the cane didn't move she planted her empty hand on her hip and smirked at him knowingly. "Well, well, well, finally something that the Great Gregory House is too scared to try. Whatever will they say when such a thing gets out?"

"That would involve telling them about the little glass room you've got going on here." House snarked at her. "Where did you get this thing anyway?"

"A Candy Magnate donated it when he shut down his factory. Wanker, Wonker…something" Cuddy waved an arm to dismiss it. "Now, don't go trying to distract me from the fact that you're chicken. You insisted on coming along." She batted the cane out of the way and held up the little monster starfish. "This has got to be a first. House afraid to go all the way." She bobbed her brows at him and his features flattened into a scowl.

He reached into his pocket, extracted his vicodin with a rattle and dry swallowed two for a little Dutch courage. Then he held out his hand for the little demon-fish.

"Better if I put it on." She sidestepped his arm and invaded his personal space. He jerked back against the wall again when the little fish came up in her fingers, her other hand smoothing over his throat and tilting his jaw firmly back until he couldn't see the little bugger coming at him. He felt the cool press along with her warm fingers. "Don't worry, it doesn't hurt."

_Crunch!_

"Nngh!" House stiffened as _something_ sharp and spiny punched through his windpipe and into his throat.

"Much." Cuddy amended grimly.

He jerked and moved to rip the thing from his neck but Cuddy shifted her body to the side, grabbing one arm with her free hand and pinning the other to the elevator wall with the firm press of her body. For a moment, he remained rigid as pain flamed out from his neck…but then something cool slid down his throat like menthol and blessed numbness spread around the wound until he couldn't feel any discomfort. It was now nothing more than a vague pressure against his larynx. Cuddy finally let up on his jaw and allowed him to look down at her again.

"OW!" He enunciated slowly and she shrugged.

"You deserved it."

"For _what?" _

"Well, if you don't now then you inevitably will." She was inspecting his neck, her fingers wiping around the little star, fingers coming away blushed with a little of his blood. She nodded once as if satisfied and then levered herself away from his body. He caught her before she fully escaped though.

"That was mean." He told her.

"I know." She shrugged blandly. "You think you've cornered the market on it?"

He narrowed his eyes at her and she mirrored his expression until he had to smile and release her. He really did love it when she was devious.

A jolt stopped him from finding another excuse to grab her and he looked about himself. "What happened?" He was ignoring the fact that his voice sounded more than a little panicked but was _very_ aware that there was just a few layers of glass between him and the crushing vastness of the ocean outside.

"We've arrived." It was really beginning to grate on him how blasé she was about this whole thing. He turned to inform her as such and promptly forgot all about it when he saw her arching her back and tugging her camisole up and over her head. When she untied the bow at the waist of her skirt and pulled the wraparound affair apart to reveal her long, long legs and a miniscule all black bikini detailed with silver stars around the curve of her breasts (and WHAT a view he was getting from the Wonder-bra top) and in an intriguing arrow between her legs. He believed he said something rather intelligent and erudite, along the lines of; 'dur…pretty lady'.

"I know." She smirked at him knowingly and pressed a large green button, the doors swished apart and House jumped back in fear, expecting to be crushed by a wall of water.

After a moment of silent cringing and decidedly no water, House cracked open a lid to see Cuddy standing by the elevator, tapping her bare foot a little impatiently…and a solid wall of water on the threshold of the door, but intruding no further into the elevator. House stepped closer, his inherent curiosity getting the better of any fear or panic he might have felt.

"Cool beans." He muttered, awed and reached out with one finger to prod at the gel like water. His finger came away wet and ripples spread across the vertical puddle to bound and rebound across the doorway.

"Uh-huh, it's marvellous, you might wanna strip down to your shorts." He looked over to see Cuddy leaning casually against the wall, arms crossed over the girls and her bag slung diagonally over her body by its long strap.

"Oh, so that's what this is about." House straightened to his full height and leered at her. "All this to get in my pants." He waggled a finger at her and turned to follow her as she pushed off the wall and moved to stand in the middle of the elevator she planted her hands in the curve of her slim waist and nodded to him with that 'I'm about to have your ass and not in the good way' expression of hers. "You know, you could have just got me drunk."

"Fine." She smiled at him suddenly and he felt a flicker of unease before she said cheerfully. "Deep breath."

He had time to frown in confusion before she flew at him in a rather impressive football tackle and sent them both splashing out into the water. House gasped as her shoulder slammed into his stomach and forced all the air from his lungs. Then he clapped a hand over his mouth to keep from sucking down seawater. Cuddy had her arm around his waist and was determinedly trying to drown him by dragging him further and further from the elevator and the only source of readily available oxygen. He fought wildly and finally she let him go.

He shot daggers at her with his eyes and then kicked wildly to get back to the little glass box. The irony that he wanted IN the fishbowl when in the ocean was not lost on him but he was a little more focused on getting back to a place where he could continue to breathe. He was almost at the doors and the odd puddle of light that marked the threshold back to precious oxygen when a pipping sound like a car alarm barking went off and the doors slid shut just as his hands collided with them and pounded hard on the glass.

"House, relax." Cuddy spoke directly into his ear and he whirled around to find her looping a set of keys around her neck. He grabbed for them but she swished back in the water, his lungs were really beginning to burn now. "Take a breath." She urged him and he shook his head vehemently. Then he noticed the tail. His eyes flew wide and he pointed wildly.

Cuddy looked exactly like she usually did…from the waist up, but from the waist down she was…not. A long powerful tail somewhere between a dolphin's and a fish's swished back and forth in the water against the current, holding her vertical in front of him. The tail appeared mammalian, but it shimmered like it had scales. A powerful fluked tail beat strongly in the water and feathery semi transparent fins swished along the sides of the marbled blue green tail. House stared.

"Come on, House. Take a breath before you pass out." Cuddy spiralled end over end in the water, perfectly comfortable in it. She was now hanging in the ocean, upside down, hair clouding about her head and smiling at him. "You think my tail is wild? Yours is, how did you put it? Bitchin'?" She pointed, up for her and down for him and he followed the finger.

The resulting squeak of shock that he let out at seeing his own legs transformed into a fucking TAIL, succeeded in forcing water down his gullet. He choked for an instant and clutched at his neck before he realised that…he wasn't drowning. He examined his tail, feeling a little disembodied as he did so, and found it to be built along similar lines to Cuddy's but longer and black lightening to red, orange and yellow at the end. He was both bemused and amused to realise he matched his cane. He looked back at Cuddy, inhaling water, and opened his mouth to try and speak.

"I'm not drowning."

"Nope." She shook her head and her hair billowed around both of them she was that close. She was still hanging in front of him upside down and seemed to be perfectly comfortable doing so.

"We're…underwater."

"Yup."

"And…fish-people?"

"The politically correct term is Mer-folk, but, essentially, yes." Cuddy smiled at him. "Still glad you came?"

House considered it a moment, looked down at his (weird, weird, WEIRD!) tail before giving an experimental flick. He shot upwards several metres and Cuddy swished her own tail, spinning around and twisting up until she floated in front of him.

"Having fun?"

"This is…"

"Fun." She told him, spinning around happily.

"I was going to go with 'freaky'."

"It's a new experience." She petted his shoulder and coiled around him more like a snake than anything aquatic , her tail was wrapped snugly around him and her torso looming over his until he had to flex backwards to see meet her eyes. "Don't you like trying new things?" There was something playful dancing in her eyes and he tilted his head at her.

"You love this."

"Of course I do. How many people get to swim like this? Not clumsy and slow but sleek and fast." She released him from her long slinking tail and powered away from him. He flicked his own tail, clumsily at first, but some kind of instinct finally kicked in and he found the rolling rhythm of underwater movement easy after that. "Not burning for your next breath and wishing you could stay down that little bit longer." She was spinning in corkscrew spirals as she swam and laughing a little. "Don't _you_ like it?"

"It's weird." He finally settled on.

"You LOVE weird." She nudged at him, buffeting him with her shoulder and slinking her tail against him in something that felt a lot like flirting. Her hand gripped his and she pulled him off to the side. "Come on, the palace, and our patient, is this way." She swam quickly that way and House hurried after her, not wanting to be left on his own in the alien gloom of the deep sea. He could make out a dim glow in the distance, golden spires rising out of the depths of the ocean floor.

Inhaling a deep breath, or rather, sucking a lungful of water, House swam after his boss and supposed that since he was here he might as well try and learn something.

**$inister $cribe**

Cuddy hummed happily to herself as she swished through the coral corridors of the palace in Atlantica. She waved to the locals, various mer-folk and ocean life, some of the octopi were very friendly in these parts. They smiled and waved back at Cuddy, some of them swimming at her side for a time and offering conversation, but very few of them spoke to House and all of them pretty much stared openly.

He was the type to attract stares though. For a start, not other mer-folk wore Jack-Daniels tee shirts, or had flame patterned tails, or stared at the architecture like a four year old in a toy shop. She had been peppered with what's that?s, why's that like that?s and what the hell is that thing?s, all the way here. She had answered most of his questions, when she actually knew the answer, and had shrugged and smirked at him when she didn't. This seemed to disturb him more than having a tail did. House just had to _know._

Cuddy drew to a halt and checked over her shoulder to make sure House was still there, she'd had to detour three times when he had seen something interesting and swum off one his own to find out what it was. She grabbed him by the tee shirt and dragged him back when he appeared to be considering doing it again.

"But…"

"No, we're already late. You can talk to the manatee later." She told him firmly and opened the massive golden doors and hustled him inside, which was a lot harder to do with a tail and in the water than it was on land. He was a lot squirmier and slippery like this.

"Oh." House craned his neck around and took in the details of the throne room with interest. "Let me guess, King Fish lives here?"

"And people say you're stupid." Cuddy mussed his hair and smiled at him patronisingly before darting away with a whoosh of her tail when he lunged for her, not doubt to return the favour. She laughed and danced easily out of his way. He was a lot less coordinated like this, still getting used to the tail. "You can't caaaaatch mee…" She sang at him and shimmied a little in the water just to tease him.

"Oh yeah?"

"Uh-huh." She swirled up in an ark and hung over him upside down again. "Guppy." She informed him and he lunged, far faster and with greater accuracy than she had though him capable of. He spun in the water, grabbed her hips and then coiled his tail around hers, pinning her arms at her sides with his own.

"Hmm, tails have advantages, I might be talked into liking this." His momentum carried them through the cavernous space of the throne room, spiralling slowly, right way up, sideways and upside down. Cuddy looked into his eyes and found that she couldn't rightly recall which way was up and which down…she suspected it didn't have much to do with the spinning either.

"You should let me go."

"Why?"

"Uh…" She hadn't realised she had to have a reason or would be expected to supply one.

"Exactly." He squirmed against her pleasantly and she felt her cheeks score with heat. His grin told her he could see it too.

"Well," a shadow behind one of the pillars drawled slowly, "once you kids are finished flirting shamelessly, you might want to do your job?"

Cuddy shoved away from House guiltily and wriggled out of his grasp as the shadow loomed forward and seeped into the room proper. Long black tentacles slunk over the floor and the excessive black and purple skinned figure of Ursula the Sea Witch sashayed across the room with coiling sinuous movements.

"Ursula." Cuddy greeted as cordially as she could. This was one of the _less_ friendly octopi in the ocean.

House flicked his tail and wafted back and away from Ursula in the water. Ursula arched an eyebrow at House and a lascivious grin curled her full red mouth. She smoothed a hand through her shock of silver white hair and perched a hand on one very full hip.

"Well, well, well, isn't he a fine fish of a man? Lisa where HAVE you been hiding him?"

"Where's Triton?" Cuddy ignored Ursula's comment and kept half an eye on House as he prudently moved out of the way of a flexing black and purple tentacle.

Ursula heaved a dramatic sigh.

"Really, you try one violent coup and suddenly nobody wants to speak to you. This way, darlings!" Ursula waved them back the way she had come and roiled her way to preceding them. House swam up near the ceiling and kept a close eye on the alien creature, grabbing Cuddy by the back of her bikini and yanking her up with a yelp when he deemed her too close to the thing with the husky voice and evil glint in her eye.

The next room they found themselves in appeared to be…a bedroom.

Cuddy had never really understood why mer-folk needed beds when they spent the majority of their time floating, but then she reminded herself that beds were used for more than just sleeping, and the horrifying accompanying image of what Triton and Ursula did in the privacy of their own Royal bedroom had been enough to convince her never to over think things again. So she was steadfastly thinking platonic thoughts as she swam over to Triton's side as he lay back on the huge bed on his side, a bandage wrapped around his tail around about where a human's thigh would be.

"Hello, Triton, how are you feeling?" Cuddy pasted on a smile and left House behind her at a respectable distance while she hovered over the king of the ocean.

"Like I've been harpooned." The king turned a glare on his companion and Ursula shrugged innocently.

"I keep telling you, it was an accident."

Cuddy unwrapped the seaweed bandage (which seemed to work best with mer-folk) and examined the wounds carefully. Three of them, like he had been prodded with something very like a big fork…like the huge golden one that was propped at the side of the bed.

"What, he just swam onto the thing while you were holding it?" House demanded, floating directly over Cuddy and peering down at the wound. "Looks infected."

Cuddy glanced at him, annoyed. "Really? And here was me thinking swelling like that was normal." She was already filling a syringe with an anti-inflammatory, and another with a broad spectrum antibiotic. Giving pills to a species that lived under water was kind of pointless after all. "Triton, this is my colleague, Doctor House. Ignore him, he's rude." Cuddy said absently as she stabbed the needle in and injected the older merman quickly before he could protest.

"Ow, why do all the women in this palace keep stabbing me?!"

"Well, you did bring it on yourself." Ursula shrugged, tentacles restlessly coiling back and forth over themselves.

"And how, exactly, did I do that?" Triton demanded and Cuddy shoved him back down onto the bed when he tried to rise indignantly.

"The point of bed rest is to REST." She told him forcefully and he subsided, but not without a fierce glower from behind his white beard and thick eyebrows.

"Hmm, well, if you didn't deserve it at the time I'm sure you'll do something in the future to earn it." Ursula carefully examined her long red nails in a blasé fashion.

House flicked his tail against Cuddy with a gentle slap and he glared at her meaningfully.

Cuddy studiously turned back to Triton and rubbed some course sea salt into it. The king grimaced and grunted at the sting but otherwise paid it no heed.

"Witch." He growled at Ursula.

"Guilty." She smirked and boiled forward to loom over the bed. "But you love it when I'm wicked."

Cuddy's eyes widened and she looked sideways at House, who was arching a brow and edging away. Not wanting to intrude on THAT scene in any way, shape or form. Cuddy bent her head to the seaweed bandaging and focused solely on finishing the job so she could leave Ursula and Triton to…well, definitely not going THERE again.

"I don't see why you can't just be normal. Like everyone else in Atlantica." Triton sighed.

"Well, what would be the fun in that? Everyone here is BORING, darling. That's why you love little old me, never the same on any given day." Ursula swarmed around the bed as she spoke until she was between House and Cuddy. "You'd be bored to tears with any of those skinny little fish girls." The lacing of contempt in the Sea Witch's tone had Cuddy lifting her head and shooting a narrow glance at the other woman. Ursula smiled saucily. "Present company excluded, of course."

"Now, don't go excluding people. It's rude." House put in, still watching over Cuddy's shoulder, medical geek and asshole extraordinaire no matter where he was.

"Hold this." Cuddy slapped the medical bag against his chest hard enough to send him bobbing back a few inches in the water.

"Touchy, in't she?" Ursula noted and House nodded.

"Except for when I want her to be and then it's ALL business." House lamented and both Triton and Cuddy turned to stare at the odd camaraderie forming between the two villains, they glared at the two, then glanced at each other and sighed in unison.

"TELL me about it." Ursula nodded sagely and Cuddy had the sinking sensation that House had made a new friend. She turned back to finishing up with Triton, muttering darkly about House's questionable parentage or similar and was gratified to hear silence for a few blessed moments behind her.

"Um…Cuddy?"

"What is it, House?" She sounded as irritated as she felt, she knew it had been a mistake to bring him along. It would inevitably bite her on the finned butt.

"Cuddy…the tentacles…the tentacles are up to something!"

Cuddy and Triton turned around and their mouths dropped open. Cuddy's in shock, tilting her head to the side on a frown, and Triton's in anger.

"Ursula, put him down this INSTANT!"

**$inister $cribe**

"I cannot buh-LEIVE you!" Cuddy shot at him over her shoulder, leaving him in a wash of bubbles as she sped away from him. She had been spouting variations along the theme since they had so gracelessly left, okay, been thrown out of, the palace. House rubbed at the deep bruised sucker marks where his ass should be.

"Hey, SHE molested ME. I was simply an innocent by-stander…swimmer, whatever." Stop digging THAT hole, he told himself.

"You encouraged her!"

"By doing what? SPEAKING to her?"

"Urgh!" Cuddy threw up her hands and swam faster, forcing him to cease talking while he worked to keep up with her. The woman could pile on the speed when irate in any form apparently. "You should have known better!" She finally spat at him. The elevator was in sight again. Hanging motionless in the water exactly where they had left it apparently unmolested by submarines or fishes.

"HOW?!" House demanded again. " Are you even TRYING to use Earth logic? Why don't you just admit that you're jealous and then we can yell about that?"

"I. Am. NOT. Jealous!" She whirled on him, quick as an eel and punctuated each word with a harshly stabbing finger to his solar plexus.

"Oh, really? Tail seemed a little greener when I was getting felt up by Miss Calamari back there."

"Hey, if you want to get it one with a woman that has a bigger tentacle than you, that's your OWN damn social life!" Cuddy growled at him and he thought she was absolutely adorable when she was enraged. Not that he would ever share that with her.

"See? You can't even keep your dirty little fantasies to yourself." House crossed his arms smugly over his chest. "And, FYI, there's plenty of House tentacle to go around."

"You're disgusting." Cuddy whirled away again and beat her fins back towards the elevator. She pulled the key from around her neck and pipped the alarm off. The doors swished open.

"And yet you're still in to me!" He called after her. "I mean, really, first pinning me in the elevator, then doing that little strip tease…" He swam on top of her so he could purr in her ear. "Then inviting me to do the same, you wanton hussy, you."

She turned to him then and wore that smile that meant he was royally screwed and never in the good way.

"Speaking of clothes." Her grin deepened to truly devilish proportions. "You do realise that when you grow your legs back you won't have any pants?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Okies, this is inspired by a fan comic I'm starting in which an original character of mine (Adara), Wonder Woman and Lara Croft are all sharing a flat together. **

**Take characters, shake well and pour the hilarity.**

**Bit more serious than the last one.**

**On a side note, I just want to say to y'all that if you receive a review from an absolute fuckwit named ispeakfire (known affectionately to me as ispeakcrap), to report the 'review' for abuse (which it will undoubtedly be) and then delete the stupid bitch from your profile. You can check out her profile if you want but she has joined this community with the express purpose of trying to tear down other people. **

**((*cough*daddy issues*cough*))**

**And I, basically, ain't having it. If she has reviewed you, and referred to me or my fics in any way, do NOT take this to mean that I support what she was saying. I found out she had done this to someone else and then I had to go and take time out of MY day to go and apologise for HER fuck up. **

**And I hate apologising. **

**So let's just all delete her from our lives and move on shall we?**

**Enjoy.**

**2: Why Do That To Yourself?**

"So, boss, where we off to now?"

Cuddy sighed and shouldered her old fashioned medical bag. "WE are not going anywhere. YOU are staying and doing clinic like a good boy and I'M going to do my job."

"You like it better when I tag along though." He smirked down at her, still hobbling along at her side and grinning like a fool.

"You'd better find places elsewhere to be, House, or the only tagging you'll be doing will involve your toe and the morgue." She growled at him and swung around a corner in a thoroughly harassed fashion. She stabbed the elevator button vindictively. The regular elevator, she didn't have another _special _appointment until Friday at the B.P.R.D. and she was _definitely_ not letting House accompany her on that one. She didn't know how she would explain to the hospital at large that House's chest had caved in due to being on the wrong end of a demon's stone fist. It had been three weeks since the Tentacle Incident Which We Shall Never Mention Again and House, after a week of rubbing his ass and looking at her pointedly at every opportunity, had started his first demands to be allowed to come along on her next house call, as it were.

She had replied with the knee-jerk reaction of telling him to sally forth and multiply (or words to that effect).

Which, of course, had only encouraged him further. Resulting in her spending WAY too much time with her Head Diagnostician following her around like a big, lanky, antisocial puppy (complete with stick). The rumour mill had spun so quickly that the sales had ignited, the flour had exploded in fantastic pyrotechnics and the villagers had turned up to toast marshmallows and comment on the pretty colours.

Nevertheless, she had managed to hold out for three whole weeks. Three whole weeks of hell, it might be added, but she had held out.

Temptation, however, was out to get her. That sinister, sibilant serpent from the Garden had obviously wormed its way into the hospital and was whispering insidious ideas into her ears at every thrice-damned opperchancity.

Would it be so bad to have him along? He was a good doctor, when he was interested, and he was definitely interested in this, that was for sure. She might as well pay him for doing some actual doctoring rather than just ordering his team around, having the occasional epiphany and making the place look untidy. This was the first time she had seen him so desperate to actually DO something medical in…well, EVER really. Shouldn't she take shameless advantage of that?

And it would be good to get him out from underfoot for a while.

Wouldn't it?

_Yes_, small and annoying subconscious voice, it WOULD.

"Pleeeeaaaaaasssse?" House wheedled at her, running the tip of his cane up her leg to toy with the hem of her skirt and part the slit at the side until he could just see the top of her thigh-highs. She slapped his hand away. After a moment or two of letting him ogle. Purely for distractional purposes, of course. He dragged his eyes all the way back up her body, with a sensation akin to having live wires skimmed over her skin, and met her eyes. "Pretty please. With cherries and whipped cream and edible undies and eleven inch long- -"

"Good God, will you shut UP?"

"Only if I get to go." He looked at her brightly with that _face_ on him. The pleading completely-false-but-it-makes-her-heart-melt face. She was going to let him come along. He knew it, she knew it, hell EVERYBODY knew that he would have his way with her eventually.

GET.

He would _get_ his way with her eventually.

(rassin-frassin-small-and-annoying-subconscious-voice…)

Ahem.

"Fine." She huffed at him. "The next appointment's on Friday. We'll be going to see a demon that has a VERY big gun and a bit of a temper. Not to mention his girlfriend is pyrokinetic. So, if you survive that, we can talk about you accompanying me anywhere else."

"Demon?" House rocked back on his heels. "Is he anything like the…" House moved his fingers in a way that illustrated tentacles. "The _other_ one?"

"Somehow, I don't think Red's reaction to you will be to molest you." Cuddy ducked into her elevator when it finally arrived and smiled sweetly at him. "Snap you and your cane in half, maybe, or crush your skull in his hand, or…"

"I GET it." House stepped into the elevator with her, forgetting that he had no reason to go down with her. "And you don't see a problem with dealing with a guy that can kill you with a flick of his wrist?" He glared at her, not comfortable with that.

"Oh, Hellboy would never do that!" Cuddy scoffed at him and House just blinked at her. _Hellboy?_ "For a start…well, I'm more at risk being immolated by Liz. The last time she had a cold I had some _serious_ hair singing to deal with." She looked at him slyly out of the corner of her eye. "Still want to come along?"

"I always want to come when you're around." He said it so innocently that she had to turn and look at him sharply in order to see the tiny glint of humour in his eye. She glared at him. He smirked. The silence stretched taut between them. "So, I have to wait until Friday?"

"Uh-huh- -" Obviously the Universe had decided it was going to conspire against her, because her beeper chose that moment to go into a trilling apoplexy. House dropped his eyes to her hip, where she kept her beeper at all times. She had even developed the habit of doing that at home. It wasn't that beeper, though, it was the Other Beeper. Cuddy grabbed the neck of her sweater (a Prussian blue V-neck affair that allowed the barest hint of a rose pink lace bra to be seen when she leaned over _just_ so, House had been admiring all morning) and yanked it away from her body before plunging her hand down the front.

"If you need any help there, let me know right away." House offered without thinking and Cuddy shot him a quelling look.

Which did absolutely nothing to quell the thoughts that the sight of Cuddy rooting around in her sweater brought out in House. He watched intently until she managed extract a small red box from her cleavage. House stared at it, back to the cleavage then back to the crimson beeper in Cuddy's hand. It trilled, it vibrated and it flashed with an internal light, generally screaming 'LOOK AT ME!' to all and sundry as loudly as it could. Cuddy hit the button to shut it up and scanned the tiny screen on the front.

"Crap." She announced eruditely. The elevator doors swung open and she bolted out of it, trotting with a clickity-click of her heels across the clinic, through her office doors and to the cupboard to throw it open. House hobbled after her and watched her as she dropped to her knees and dragged her leather medical bag out onto the floor.

"Feel like sharing?"

The only reply he got was the thump of medical supplies being tossed over her shoulder and into the bag. IV bags, sterile packed syringes, plastic tubing, vials of drugs, bottles of pills, an ultrasound machine…AN ULTRASOUND MACHINE?!

"What the hell kind of baggage _is_ this?" House flipped his cane, hooked the crook in the bag's handle and dragged the heavy thing across the floor to peruse the contents.

"Useful baggage. Which is more than can be said for some." She gave him a pointed look that he refused to understand, just to be contrary. Cuddy jumped to her feet, snatched her coat off the rack and pulled it on hurriedly. After a brief hesitation, she snagged her scarf too and looped it around House's neck.

"What's going on?" House had absolutely no idea what was happening. It was a situation that he was beginning to associate with being around Cuddy. "And you do realise it's only early Fall, right?" He waved the end of the scarf at her until it brushed her cheek and down her neck. She batted it away and moved to the door.

"Not where we're going." She swung out the door and House took a half second to assimilate the 'we' in that sentence before he hurried after her. He didn't catch up with her again until the glass elevator and the doors were already swinging open to admit her. He scooted inside just as the doors were hissing closed and narrowly avoided getting squished between them.

"And where are we going?" He asked a little breathlessly. Damn, hurrying had made his leg hurt. He popped a vicodin and she tracked the movement, silent for a long moment before turning away and stabbing a button a little more harshly than it deserved.

"You'll see."

House didn't get the chance to ask more questions before the elevator did it's familiar swoosh and boom thing and he found himself getting more closely acquainted with one of the glass walls.

**$inister $cribe**

The elevator doors swooshed open again and House sucked in a breath in surprise when a wave of cold air washed over him. He exhaled on a shiver and wrapped his arms around himself out of self preservation.

"What the hell?"

"It's only snow, House." Cuddy spoke over her shoulder, already trudging through said snow and out onto the busy sidewalk. As soon as she reached the cleared gritted path, her pace picked up again and House had to scramble out after her.

"What's your hurry?"

"It was an emergency call, House. People, well, _regular,_ caring people tend to hurry in emergencies." She stalked down the street and House tugged her scarf (at least it was a deep red and not some horrific girly colour) more tightly about his neck and stuffed it down the front of his blazer which he was hastily buttoning one handed.

"Why is it winter here?"

"Because we're in Narnia." Cuddy answered wryly and made a slight concession in her pace so he could keep up with her and help her forge through the thick crowds on the street."

House glanced to his left and then did a double take before staggering to a stop. "We're in WASHINGTON?" Several passers-by shot him a look that suggested to him that he might be a few fries short of a Happy Meal. He glared back.

"Damn, can't get anything past you!" Cuddy hit the side of her head as if she'd just fucked up a little. "Oh well, might as well see my emergency patient while I'm here."

Cuddy spun on her heel and sashayed away again. House looked down the road again and double checked, yep, definitely the White House. Then he hurried after her. He practically screeched to a halt when she stopped suddenly and trotted up three steps and into the shadow of a huge unlit sign, one that bore a remarkable similarity to a thirties theatre sign, it scrawled 'Club Carnal' to the rest of the street. He painstakingly limped up the steps and reached her as she began to hammer on the doors. They were a stately wood affair with frosted glass in panelling that had intricate smoky designs worked into the glass. The doors were flung open, both of them, massive hand carved mahogany doors, parted on the slim fingers of a…well, she was very, very, pretty.

"Thank Gods you're here!" The wild haired Amazon of a woman caught Cuddy by the wrist and yanked her in so hard that Cuddy's feet briefly left the floor and she had to clatter awkwardly back onto the polished hardwood floors. The other woman didn't even look at House, she was already pulling Cuddy towards the back of, House could now see, the bar. It was a huge cavernous room, oddly silent in that way clubs are when they're not in full swing. Tables empty, chairs stacked on top of them. The bar unmanned and eerily quiet.

"Where is he?" Cuddy was shedding her jacket and throwing it over the bar without looking. House kept her scarf on. He was still cold and he liked the way it smelled.

"Upstairs. Diana is with him."

Cuddy clattered up the stairs behind the bar and House ground to a halt. Ah. She'd gone where he couldn't follow. He hated that. He growled low and the woman turned to see him, under the mistaken impression that he was growling at her.

House noticed for the first time how odd the stranger looked. She was tall, an inch taller than him in her heels. Her skin was a golden tan, her lips and…yeah, the inside of her mouth too, were a burnished gold colour. Like the metal. Her hair was wild and tumbling and fell down over one eye, over her shoulders and down her back. It started off a deep crimson at the crown of her head and steadily lightened through orange, blonde and finally to a shocking white at the ends. Her figure was an exaggerated hourglass and it was clear from the muscles that flexed along her curves that she was incredibly fit and could have probably bench pressed House if she'd felt like it.

Her tattoo though…that was _really _weird. Medusa's face snarling out at him from the valley of her cleavage, snakes spilling and writhing onto the surrounding skin and bright white wings spreading across the curve of her breasts. It glittered and appeared to…_move_ in ultra slow-motion.

"Enjoying the view?" He snapped his gaze back up to her face to see one golden eye laughing at him and a red brow arched over it. She tossed her wild hair over her shoulder

"Nice ink. Your pimp do it?" She was dressed in some rather stunning red lingerie and a dressing gown which she hadn't bothered to belt.

"Better not let the boyfriend hear you, darling." Her accent was Greek with Celtic tones mixed in. Odd. So it fit well with the rest of her. "He's the jealous kind and, while I would simply kill you, he'd make you wish for death first." She leant forward and whispered throatily in his ear. "For weeks."

Cuddy's head appeared over the top of the banister of the next flight of stairs.

"Adara, don't break him. I might need him." She whipped her head away only to pop it back into view a half second later. "In fact, you could maim him a little, but can you bring him upstairs while you're doing it please?" The clatter of Cuddy's heels ascending the stairs resumed and Adara turned back to him with an evil little smile.

"With pleasure." She reached out, her hand fisting in his blazer lapels and then hauled him off the floor. Not just a yank either, House was sent airborne. He flinched, expecting gravity to kick his ass to the floor, but he didn't touch down again. He looked up to find Adara surging through the air with him in tow as if it was the most mundane thing on the planet. She glowed like a star fallen to earth, white hot light, her tattoo glittered and writhing red snakes spilled around her shoulders, down her back and mixed through her hair.

She was flying.

He was flying.

Holy shit.

OW!

Adara had dropped him on the floor.

It was okay though, his face broke his fall.

House groaned and rolled carefully onto his back. He rubbed at his nose gently and was glad to feel it unbroken. Just really sore. He sat up and abruptly found out what all the commotion was about.

"Bruce, wake up, please, please wake up." Another incredibly beautiful woman, speaking with a Greek accent, also in underwear, a thirties style slip and red stockings, (did they grow them on trees in Washington?) was leaning over a man who was sprawled out on the floor. He was bleeding profusely from multiple wounds peppering his black armoured body. House moved clumsily closer and saw that the body armour was thick and had several bullets lodged into it already. He had an odd kind of cowl on with huge spiked 'ears' sticking up out of it. The heavy plating on the front had been shattered by something and blood trickled down beside his eye behind the mask.

"Please…" The woman was cradling his head, leaning down over him, black hair spilling over his face. She kept wiping the blood away from his face, it mixed with the tears that were falling onto him from her blue eyes. Bruce gave a weak groan which turned to a pained wince and his hand moved, reaching. "I'm right here." The woman gripped his hand until her knuckles whitened.

"Diana, you have to move. Let me treat him." Cuddy gently pushed Diana back and moved to kneel at Bruce's side. Diana moved back, but did not let go of Bruce's hand.

"Diana, I'm so sorry, I honestly didn't know it was him." House glanced up to yet another woman. Pretty but not as stunning as the others. She was dressed in nothing but a towel, soaked to the skin with her long brown hair plastered down her back.

"Lara, don't talk to me." Diana said with arctic cold in her voice.

"House, don't just sit there, help me."

House was galvanised into action by Cuddy's voice, he shimmied up to Bruce's side and set about peeling back the armour so he could get a better look at his injuries…except he didn't know _how_.

"Uh…"

"Here." Adara leant forward and gripped the armour in both hands, with a crunching sound, she ripped it neatly in two. It was over an inch thick and she had just peeled it apart like it was tissue paper. House decided to analyse that later.

"Jesus." House got a good look at Bruce's chest for the first time and was amazed at not only the extent of his injuries, but at how many he'd had before this lot. He was riddled with scars. Some of them criss-crossing over each other. He looked like he'd been attacked with a cheese grater. Several times over. He was also extremely well built. Not like an athlete is, or a body builder, but lean and wiry and a bit scruffy, like a Serengeti lion. A predator.

Sweeping that aside, House immediately identified the worst area as deep purpling bruising over Bruce's flank. It could mean some internal bleeding. House snagged Cuddy's bag and reached shoulder deep into the thing to scrabble for the ultrasound machine.

"Cuddy, where the hell did you get this bag? I can't find anything in it." House ducked his head into the bag as well, rummaged for a minute and finally his hand closed over the familiar shape of a wand for the machine. With a decisive yank, he pulled the entire thing out and flipped it on, squishing gel over Bruce's side and working the wand over the deep purple skin there. X-rays and MRIs are all well and good, but neither of them are very good at seeing blood build up where it shouldn't be and not nearly as portable as ultrasound.

"English nanny gave it to me. What you got?" Cuddy was peeling Bruce's cowl back to reveal a handsome face that was completely unmarred by scars. An oddity considering the state of the rest of him.

"Lot of bruising but nothing's ruptured." House dropped the wand and moved onto the next injury, a slash over Bruce's pectoral. It oozed a steady stream of blood and House inspected it briefly before deciding that it wasn't clotting fast enough. "Got any superglue?"

"Here." Cuddy tipped the bag over and a lot of the contents spilled out over the floor. House zeroed in on what he wanted and yanked the little tube out of the mess, uncapping it and working a line of the stuff along the seam of the wound. He then moved on to checking for broken bones. He was not reassured by the squelching sound or the groan from Bruce when he prodded gently at his ribs. He reset them as quickly as possible and moved on to yet another injury. It seemed endless. House had seen people in from car-wrecks less mulched.

"What the hell happened to this guy?" He hadn't really expected an answer but the Lara, the chick in the towel, supplied one anyway. She spoke with a cultured English accent.

"I might have accidentally shot him." She hitched her towel a little higher and put the nine millimetre glock in her hand behind her back. "In the face."

"Then ran him over with a truck a couple of times?" House demanded tersely.

"No. He was like that when I got to him." Lara defended herself. "He was crawling in the bathroom window as I was getting out the shower, alright?"

"Yeah, you and your gun." Cuddy said darkly, examining Bruce's skull carefully for fractures. He was bruised horrifically and there was a split at his temple which flowed freely with blood, as head wounds were wont to do, but other than that, he appeared to be alright. Whatever plating his face armour was made of, it could apparently stop a bullet at point blank range with no problems.

"He's going to be alright?" Diana was sitting with her legs tucked up to her chest, tears in her eyes and a death grip on Bruce's hand.

"Prognosis is good." Cuddy told her and she wasn't lying. Despite all the crap that Bruce had so obviously been through, it looked like he was going to come out of it alright, as long as he had some recovery time.

"He isn't waking up." Diana reached out with her other hand and smoothed some of Bruce's black hair back from his bruised brow. "Shouldn't he be waking up?"

"The blow to the head probably knocked him out. He'll come around in a while." Cuddy was checking Bruce's pupils with a penlight. "Pupils are responsive. How's it going over there?" She glanced over at House.

"Alright, some broken ribs, dislocated shoulder, several cuts and bruises but nothing life threatening." He glowered at Lara. "So long as nobody _shoots_ him any time in the near future." There was a grinding pop to punctuate House's words as he reset Bruce's shoulder.

"Fuck!" Bruce abruptly woke up and reached to claw at whoever had just caused him yet more pain. House wisely scooted back out of the feral looking man's reach. Diana got between them in an instant.

"Bruce, it's alright. It's okay, I'm here." Diana cradled his head again and rested it on her lap.

House took in the scene and remembered the last time a woman had held him like that. His eyes jumped to Cuddy. It had also been the last time his heart had stopped. It felt like it did it again when Cuddy turned and looked at him, clearly remembering the same thing. House looked away guiltily.

"Diana." Bruce reached up and touched Diana's face almost reverently. "Hi."

Diana laughed suddenly, tears falling on Bruce's face again. "You ever scare me like that again and I'll make you suffer twice as much." She sniffed delicately and looked up at Cuddy. "Thank you." She looked at House too. "Both of you."

Bruce lolled his head to look at Cuddy. Obviously a little punch drunk from being shot in the head and then tumbling out of a window to bounce off the fire escape and crash down into the snowy alley below.

"Hey, Doctor Lisa. Alfred's going to be pissed that he missed you."

"I'm pissed that I missed his cooking. How you feeling?"

"Like I got shot."

Lara leant over Diana's shoulder and looked down at Bruce.

"Sorry for shooting at you while you were doing your Olympic-level-ninja-shadow thing and oozing through the bathroom window." She did look genuinely contrite, maybe it was just the English accent that made it sound so mocking then.

"Could happen to anyone." He tried to shrug and then decided against it when his shoulder screamed at him. "I'll try to remember to knock the next time I'm doing my Olympic-level-ninja-shadow thing then. Especially while oozing through the bathroom window."

Lara was prevented from answering when heavy footfalls announced more additions to the fun. House turned to see what weird and wonderful people could possibly be added to this menagerie (not above hoping for some more zesty half naked women) and was slightly perturbed by the two men that joined him and the ladies.

The first guy looked fairly regular. Five o clock shadow on his rugged face, dark eyes, a battered brown fedora, white button down shirt and tan cargo pants with a leather jacket to beat off the cold. The whip at one hip and the Colt Magnum 45. at the other threw off the mundane a little though. As well as the blood liberally staining said shirt and pants.

"Indy! Are you hurt?" Lara was on him in an instant, ripping back his shirt in a hasty fashion to check him over.

"Nope. All limbs present and accounted for. Nice outfit by the way." Indy tweaked at the edge of her towel and Lara slapped his hand away and scowled at him.

"I'm going to get dressed." She spun away and disappeared off into one of the rooms.

"What about you, lover, still in one piece?" Adara slunk over to the second guy and draped herself over him like a cat in front of a fire place. Hot and contented looking.

"Naturally." This guy's voice boomed with no particular effort from him.

House looked at him and felt his brows climbing up his forehead.

The guy was huge.

Really, really, HUGE.

At least seven feet tall and built like a line backer. He wore a black leather jacket, leather pants, shit kicker boots and nothing else. Unless you counted the nipple rings connected by a gold chain and a large skull tattoo with bat wings stretched out above it and swords crossed below it on his chest as clothing. He had a dark Mohawk that stood up from his skull at the back but was dragged down at the front by its own weight so it hung down over one eye.

House repressed the urge to sidle over to the coffee table and hide under it as the dude pulled off his leather jacket with a bunching and flexing of each paving slab sized muscle over his body. He revealed more tattoos along each massive arm. 'Alex' down one arm and 'Adara' in Greek style lettering over the other.

Cuddy gripped House's arm and helped him to his feet, he had dropped his cane down stairs.

"Trust me, you're going to want to be on your feet for this."

Ruddy eyes that looked red to House turned on him from the hulk in the doorway. He jerked his chin at House and tucked Adara under his arm.

"Who's this?" He looked down at Adara and belted her robe with annoyed movements when she appeared to be in no hurry to do it herself. "And why are you only slightly less than naked in front of him?"

"That is…um, Lisa?"

"This is Doctor Gregory House. He was helping me treat Bruce."

"Ares." He said by way of introduction, looking only slightly mollified with the explanation that had just been supplied to him. Adara sought to distract him before he thought he needed more mayhem to entertain him. Having the God of War as a bedmate was all well and good, and his son was adorable, but it could be hell on the furniture sometimes. There was a reason the entire building was titanium reinforced.

"So, did you catch the men that hurt Bruce?" She rubbed at Ares' shoulder to swing his attention back to her from calculating how many times he could fold Greg House in half for intruding on his territory. Indy and the Bat were alright because they had women of their own. This guy screamed bachelor with the scruff and the way he had pulled away from the Cuddy woman.

Which no man with half a brain would do.

"Ares?"

He turned back to Adara and grinned. The metal chain connecting his nipple rings clinked as he reached into his back pocket and pulled out several rags of black cloth. He dangled them in front of her like the battle trophies they were.

"All twenty of them." He wrapped his huge arm around her waist and tugged her a little closer. Her eyes fired, changing from their neutral pale gold colour to a vibrant bloom of pink. Being a servant to the Goddess of War and Wisdom allowed her a healthy portion of bloodlust. Lust being the operative word. "They fell off the roof of a building."

"How tragic." Adara smirked at him leaning up to him and tilting her head back so that her hair streamed down her back. "Sure you didn't drop them?"

"Depends, what will get you into bed quicker?"

"Well, as fascinating as all this is," Indy ducked his hat lower over his brow. "I need a drink." He turned and moseyed down the stairs with a clomping from his boots.

"Me too." House limped from Cuddy and made it to the stairs by himself, there he stopped and turned to look over his shoulder at Cuddy. "You cool playing doctor a little longer?"

"Not all of us play at it, House." She spun away from him and went back to Bruce's side to check for symptoms of concussion.

House frowned, she was pissed at him. What the hell for? He sighed and moved carefully down the stairs. No cane, three vicodin left and his ride home looked like she was giving serious consideration to leaving his crippled ass here for Ares to chew on.

Great.

**$inister $cribe**

"You mean, he does that _voluntarily?_" House looked at Indy, his drinking mate and the other man (apparently a college professor) shrugged.

"More like he's compelled. I don't know the exact story behind it but, everybody's got to pay the feryyman somehow. I find Holy Grails, Ares starts wars, Bruce goes vigilante ninja on criminal's asses and you take your pills."

House stilled in the action of throwing a vicodin back, before doggedly finishing the motion. He dry swallowed then chased it with whisky. Probably not the best combo, but walking down those stairs had killed his leg dead and now the needed the combo to resurrect the damn thing.

"Fair enough…but the others, they have superpowers, he's just got Kevlar and a shit-load of gizmos. Doesn't seem fair."

"You haven't seen him on form. When he's up and moving…" Indy shivered. "I've known demons that don't want to get on his bad side."

"Demons?"

"House, hang around this place long enough, you'll meet just about anything and everything that walks this planet and a few places beside." Indy tossed back some more whisky and poured more for House. They stared into their glasses for a long moment and House was the first to speak again.

"So, Cuddy's been here before?"

"Yep." Indy swallowed more whisky. "I got clipped by a spear a few months back and it got infected. The Amazon is not a sterile friendly environment. Anyway, she came on down and shot me up with a bunch of antibiotics and…good as new." Indy spread his arms and showed off the blood stain on his shirt as if to illustrate the point.

"Not quite, you're still a risk taking idiot with no sense of self preservation." Cuddy said, though not unkindly and Indy spun in his chair to smirk at her.

"Would you have me any other way?"

"I wouldn't have you at all." Cuddy pushed him back onto his stool when he made to rise and she looked over at House as she pulled on her jacket. "So, are ready to go home or are you going to sit here, imbibe some more alcohol and any more drugs that you can get your hands on?" She said it almost cheerfully, but acid laced her lips as she smiled at him like a hungry crocodile.

It took House less than a second to realise what the right answer was and that it was more than his life was worth to give the wrong one.

"Home is good. How's the patient?" He figured a show of concern might earn him some brownie points.

"Like you care."

Maybe not then.

"Bye, Indy. Good luck with Lara." Cuddy threw over her shoulder as she headed out of the club.

"Gonna need it!" Indy said around his next swallow of whisky and waved his goodbye.

House followed Cuddy out into the cold but it paled in comparison to the arctic waves she was giving off all on her own. House scowled at her back and decided that meeting it head on might get a response out of her if not an explanation.

"Okay, so why are you pissy with me now? I helped with self destructive vigilante man back there, didn't I?"

"Hah!" She kept walking.

"What does that mean? 'Hah' what?"

"So sorry," they were already at the elevator, she pipped the alarm off and stepped inside, barely waiting for him to step inside after her before the doors hissed shut. "I just thought that you calling someone else self-destructive was amusing. People in glass houses and all that." She slammed the heel of her hand into the button marked Princeton-Plainsboro and the elevator whooshed away instantly. House even managed to stay standing this time.

"Meaning what?" He knew perfectly well but he wanted to make her spell it out for him.

"_Meaning_ that I'm too busy saving other people to be trailing after your ass with a med-kit all the time." She clasped her hands in front of her, holding onto said med-kit, her knuckles were white. She turned to him with a cold stare and a hard edge to her jaw. "It bores me."

"I've never asked you to do it."

"Exactly."

"WHAT?!" He rounded on her and she didn't bother to even face him. She just stared blankly at the elevator doors and seemed vaguely impatient to be let out. "I know we've been slipping between dimensions or WHATEVER but can you please try and keep to Earth logic because this…_female_ thing you've got going right now is irritating."

"You'd know all about that." She glanced at her watch. "Is that why you do it?" Her voice held the barest tremor. "Keep killing yourself, I mean. Is it because you think people caring about you is _irritating?_" She gulped in a breath and then wrestled her control back. Her eyes seemed to shine brightly for a moment but then she blinked and it was gone.

House just looked at her, and kept looking until she finally deigned to look back.

"I don't find you irritating, Cuddy. You piss me off a lot, you get in my hair and under my skin and rub me all the wrong way but…" He trailed off, not knowing quite how to say it.

The doors swished open onto the hallway in Princeton-Plainsboro and she turned away from him, moving to step out of the door. A flash-fire of emotion, so hot he didn't know what it was, surged through him and his hand was around her wrist, dragging her back into the elevator before he knew what he was doing. She pushed her against the wall, plucked the bag from her hands and let it clatter to the floor, gripped her neck and dragged her mouth up under his.

She growled, slapping her palm against his shoulder hard. He didn't release her and her hand gripped the lapel of his blazer, suddenly pulling him closer.

His tongue slid over hers, tasting her, letting her taste him. He pinned her to the slick glass wall of the elevator and lifted her until he could pin her there with his hip nudging between her legs. She gasped into his mouth and he swallowed it greedily. His hands plunged into her hair, down her back, over her front. He stroked over every inch of her that he could reach and finally realised that up against a glass elevator wall was not where he wanted to have her.

He pulled his mouth away and let her drop unsteadily back down onto the floor. She looked more than a little stunned and he gripped her jaw, pulling her gaze up to meet his. He panted harshly for a moment, his breathing matching her own hectic tempo.

"I may keep dying, but you keep bringing me back. Always you. That's sure as hell got to mean something." Then he released her and left her in the elevator, walking away as well as a man with a half dead leg could. Which wasn't very easily at all.

No.

Not easy in the slightest.


End file.
